I’ve been pretty quiet since I’ve been back from my Sat Nam Rasayan experience.  It’s been a busy quiet with the completion of the remodeling of the Montgomery studio and now putting all the finishing touches on.  Certainly, my quiet has to do with the healing received that went deeper than I ever could have imagined.

I guess coming home all shiny and new, rebirthed, or reincarnated if you will, I expected to be on cloud 9.  That’s not currently the case.  Instead I’m entertaining a feeling I couldn’t quite name until this morning.  That feeling is guilt.  Guilt?  What on earth do I feel guilty about?  My conscious mind can’t begin to grasp this feeling.  Have I done something wrong?  Is this misplaced?

Diving into this emotion, I realize this 120-day Cleanse in combination with the 21 stages of Meditation and Sat Nam Rasayan has made me hyper conscious of my thought patterns.  I’ve learned to delight in the thoughts as they arise and quickly see them through to the end.  by “the end” I mean to see what each powerful thought will manifest.  While delighting sounds fun, my every thought is not necessarily so delightful.  I’m feeling guilty for the tangled web my thoughts are creating:

  • The annoyed thoughts towards my ex husband when he acts like a child. (judgment)
  • The frustrated thoughts at my kids when they fail to plan. (judgment)
  • The heavy thoughts of responsibility as I pay bills. (fear)
  • The drifting thoughts of dreams unfulfilled. (fear)
  • The desire to to do as I please and be me in contrast to the desire to please others and be as others desire me to be. (anger)

Knowing the escape from guilt comes in it’s opposite, I have been searching for the true opposite of this confusing feeling.  I’ve settled on “strength” as it’s polarized twin:

  • Strength to see the thoughts through until the end.
  • Strength to continue the tedious and painful process of creating intimacy with my mind.
  • Strength to live with the outcomes of my thoughts.
  • Strength to allow myself to be human.
  • Strength to be a good witch.

“There is darkness inside all of us, though mine is more dangerous than most. Still, we all have it—that part of our soul that is irreparably damaged by the very trials and tribulations of life. We are what we are because of it, or perhaps in spite of it. Some use it as a shield to hide behind, others as an excuse to do unconscionable things. But, truly, the darkness is simply a piece of the whole, neither good nor evil unless you make it so. It took a witch, a war, and a voodoo queen to teach me that.”  ~ Jenna Maclaine, Bound By Sin

 

*The sole purpose of these articles is to provide information about the tradition of ayurveda, yoga, and meditation. This information is not intended for use in the diagnosis, treatment, cure or prevention of any disease. If you have any serious acute or chronic health concern, please consult a trained health professional who can fully assess your needs and address them effectively. Check with your doctor before taking herbs or using essential oils when pregnant or nursing.