I was standing in my closet today and I realized that I have clothes I don’t wear because they need ironed.  I don’t own an iron.  This follows a conversation yesterday about dry cleaners.  I don’t go to the dry cleaners.  In fact, I won’t buy anything that needs to be dry cleaned because I know I won’t go.  This got me to thinking about why.  Why on earth do I not own an iron and boycott the dry cleaners and wear it like some badge of honor?  What is this belief in my head?

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Now I know this seems small, but it is in the details that we truly start to understand our nature, our hidden beliefs, and our prejudices.  Yogi Bhajan wrote that 60% of what we do is from the habitual mind.  We aren’t even aware of the choices we are making.  We simply react.  Of the 40% that is left over, 25% of that 40% is based on those beliefs.  The thought arises and it simply feels like who you are.  It’s unconscious choice making.  Only 15% of your brainpower is you consciously making choices that determine the direction of your life and your fate. 

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So, standing in my closet I got to thinking about the “why.” 

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When I was in college I dated a young man who was in the ROTC.  They had to show up once a week all dressed up.  He couldn’t iron and every week he would ask me to iron his shirt.  Thirty minutes later I would hand him his shirt and he would not be happy.  I guess in the ROTC there are regulations for ironing or something and my line down the sleeve never matched the shoulder just so.  We’d have a fight.  This happened every week.  Later in life I would marry a man that had to wear dress shirts every day.  Again, I’d iron his shirts, hang them, only to find two or three scrunched up on the closet floor the next morning.  He didn’t like it that I couldn’t get all the fine wrinkles around the cuff out.  (trust me…it’s not possible.)  I turned to the dry cleaners for resolution.  They couldn’t get the wrinkles out anymore than me so shirts would end up on the floor and I would be criticized for my choice of drycleaners.  I became a drycleaner hopper in the hopes that someone could save me from this weekly ordeal. 

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I don’t know why these instances wounded me so.  I think it was probably offering to help someone and having your work so completely criticized.  Honestly, I think it was the simple fact that I actually did like to iron.  I liked the mindlessness.  I think I would drift into states of lala land where I would envision this loving life and feel so good that I was doing something helpful for the one I loved only to have it end up scrunched on the floor. 

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So underneath the ironing and trips to the dry cleaners is my hidden belief.  I have to be perfect to be loved.  Everything I do.  Everything I say.  How I show up.  How I look.  How I stand.  How I talk.  How I live.  It all has to be perfect.  And now, at the age of 44, If it isn’t perfect, I wont’ engage.  I won’t go there.  I won’t do it. 

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So, I have no iron and I won’t go to the drycleaner.  I skip the softness of cashmere, the nubbiness of wool, and the smoothness of silk.  I never planned this.  I didn’t know it was happening.  I never paused before yesterday to ask why.  As silly as this one thing seems, I have to ask myself the larger question, “What am I not ironing in other areas of my life?”  What parts of life that have the feel of cashmere, wool, or silk am I missing?  What am I not trying, not committing to,  and not thinking about?  What don’t I know?

 

What’s hanging in your closet?

*The sole purpose of these articles is to provide information about the tradition of ayurveda, yoga, and meditation. This information is not intended for use in the diagnosis, treatment, cure or prevention of any disease. If you have any serious acute or chronic health concern, please consult a trained health professional who can fully assess your needs and address them effectively. Check with your doctor before taking herbs or using essential oils when pregnant or nursing.