We’ve all been there. You pick up the phone and everything goes south. You get off the phone (or email or text) and you feel stressed, angry, annoyed, and hurt. How do you untangle this web of bad exchange? How do you get on with your day knowing this is hanging out there. Well, the truth is, you can go for a walk, practice long deep breathing, and try to meditate, but until the unconscious communication is cleared, you will be stressed.
Step #1, Own It
If you have had the experience described above, it’s your own darn fault. Of course the person on the other end was also communicating unconsciously, but it is still your fault. Take responsibility for the exchange. Once you own it, you step into a power position of conflict resolution.
Step #2, Step Back From The Situation
Imagine you are simply the electrical impulse that carried the exchange back and forth. You are totally neutral. Watch the exchange as it unfolded. Play it in your mind again and again and find all the nuances in the conversation. Do this activity in a settled environment with long deep breathing until the intense emotions are rightfully labeled and abated. If you are angry, then you simply see when and why you got angry, label it as anger. Playing it out again and again will allow you to release the intense emotions. You might still be angry, but it will be a calm anger you can work with.
Step #3, What Don’t You Know?
Ask yourself “What don’t I know?.” The other person could be facing a terrible deadline and feeling very stressed. The other person could be tired or having problems at home. This one question is the most powerful question you can ask yourself in any situation of miscommunication. It allows you to cultivate compassion for the other person. We are all humans, flawed, and doing the best we can in any situation.
Step #4, Talk It Out.
Don’t talk it out with the person from the exchange just yet. Talk it out with yourself, with a trusted friend, or with your family. Allow others to give advice and offer observations. Receive this information kindly and openly. This is going to help with #3 as well.
Step #5, Work It Out With The Other Party
It is your job, not the other person’s job, to reach out and offer resolution. Don’t wait for the other person, but don’t feel like you have to immediately rectify the situation. In fact, it is better to take time. In taking time, imagine how you want the problem to resolve and imagine what type of communication and future relationship you want with the other. Be authentic and always offer an apology. Even if the other person was mean, short tempered, inappropriate, or wrong, the bottom line is you really are sorry the communication was so poor and you really do believe you could have handled it better or you wouldn’t be reading this post.
OM, Pamela
*The sole purpose of these articles is to provide information about the tradition of ayurveda, yoga, and meditation. This information is not intended for use in the diagnosis, treatment, cure or prevention of any disease. If you have any serious acute or chronic health concern, please consult a trained health professional who can fully assess your needs and address them effectively. Check with your doctor before taking herbs or using essential oils when pregnant or nursing.