Recently I was met with Passive Aggressive behavior and I’ll be honest, I don’t know what to do with that.
When confronted, I feel the ugly head of my own PA snake rear up and the yogi in me says to simply sit with it and let it pass. Mostly what happens, however, is I remove myself from the situation and ultimately from the person’s life because I find PA to be the most frustrating type of behavior. This is of course coming from the perspective of a very direct communicator that tends to take the bull by the horns.
When I don’t know what to do, I research. I came upon the a fantastic article about passive aggressive behavior from a Cognitive Behavioral Psychotherapist in the UK named Andrea Harnn. Her 5 steps for dealing with PA are spot on yoga. Thank you Andrea for allowing EOM to share your article on our website. Andrea’s website for more info.
From Andrea Harnn: (find her on Facebook too)
Put simply passive aggressive behaviour can be described as a silent form of aggression. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. It may involve, shutting off verbally, it may involve angry looks, obvious changes in behaviour, being obstructive, sulky or stonewalling. It is characterized by an indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, evading, pouting, or deliberately creating confusion.
A passive aggressive individual doesn’t always exhibit outward anger or appear malicious. At first glance, the behaviour might appears unassuming, gracious and benevolent; underneath there may be manipulation – hence the term “Passive-Aggressive”.
Passive aggression is a destructive pattern of behaviour that can be seen as a form of emotional abuse in relationships that bites away at trust between people.
It is a creation of negative energy in the atmosphere which is clear to those involved and can create immense hurt and pain to those on the receiving end.
It is a manifestation of emotions and feelings that are being repressed on a self-imposed need for either dependence, acceptance or further avoidance of conflict and is marked by a persistent pattern of negative attitudes and passive resistance in interpersonal or work situations.
It can either be covert (concealed and hidden) or overt (blatant and obvious).
Some examples of passive aggression might be:
Procrastination intentionally putting off important tasks for less important ones
Obstructing deliberately delaying or preventing an event or process of change
Fear of Competition Avoiding situations where one party may be seen as the winner
Ambiguity Being unclear, cryptic, not engaging wholeheartedly or honestly
Sulking Being silent, sullen and resentful because of a perceived wrongdoing in order to gain sympathy.
Chronic Lateness A way to exert control over situations and others
Chronic Forgetting Shows a blatant disregard for others and is a form of punishment
Fear of Intimacy Often passive aggressive people have issues of trust in others and guard against becoming too intimately attached
Making Excuses Always coming up with reasons for non-performance
Victimisation Unable to look at their own part in a situation will turn the tables to become the victim and will behave like one
Blaming Blaming others for situations rather than being able to take responsibility for their actions or being able to take an objective view of the situation as a whole.
Withholding usual behaviours or roles for example stopping cooking and cleaning or making cups of tea, running a bath etc. all to reinforce an already unclear message to the other party
Learned Helplessness where a person continually acts like they can’t help themselves which can include deliberate and repeated failures to accomplish requested tasks for which they are often explicitly responsible
Passive aggression is a defence mechanism that people use to protect themselves. This behaviour might be automatic and stem from early experiences. What they are protecting themselves from will be unique and individual to each person; although might include underlying feelings of rejection, low self-worth, fear and insecurity.
Patterns of unassertive and passive behavior are learnt in childhoodas a coping strategy possibly as a response to parents who exercised complete control and did not let their child express themselves. To cope, a child will adopt a passive-aggressive behavior pattern.
For example if a child was punished for openly expressing their feelings or disagreeing with their parents the child would learn to substitute open expression for passive resistance. If there was a consistent pattern within the family of punishment or rejection for asserting themselves the child would learn to become highly skilled at passively rebelling.
It has however also been listed as a personality disorder not otherwise specified in the DSM-IV (Appendix B) although there is controversy around it and need for further research on categorization of behaviours.
The DSM-IV Appendix B definition is as follows:
A pervasive pattern of negativistic attitudes and passive resistance to demands for adequate performance, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicted by four (or more) of the following:
1. Passively resists fulfilling routine social and occupational tasks
2. Complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others
3. Is sullen and argumentative
4. Unreasonably criticizes and scorns authority
5. expresses envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate
6. Voices exaggerated and persistent complaints of personal misfortune
7. Alternates between hostile defiance and contrition
A passive aggressive person may appear to be polite and friendly on the surface but this may hide a manipulative behaviour within their personality. It could also show as stubbornness or a polite unwillingness to agree with a situation.
In the workplace a passive-aggressive employee or employer may use these techniques as a form of intimidation. The worker will sulk when given jobs to do or may simply take an excessive amount of time to do them. By doing so, he or she is showing annoyance by using passive-aggressive behaviour in the hope that by demonstrating this behaviour they will not be asked to do those tasks again. Employers can also use passive aggression when confronted with employee problems, turning a blind eye, not facing facts or dealing with genuine cases of bullying and intimidation. This avoidant behaviour can be very damaging to individuals and teams of individuals within organisations.
Consequences of Passive Aggressive Behaviour
When on the receiving end of passive aggression, one can feel confused, upset, offended, guilty and frustrated
You may leave the encounter thinking you did something wrong, but aren’t quite sure what it was.
It creates insecurity in all parties
It creates a bad atmosphere between people
It is a form of conflict where either both or one party cannot engage sensibly in the issues
It avoids the real issues
It creates negative feelings and resentments in an unassertive way
Tips to help you overcome the effects of passive aggressive behaviour
If you have got this far in the article then passive aggression is an area of interest to you and possibly a problem in your life or the life of someone close to you. The first step to overcoming this problem is an awareness of what passive aggression is and a willingness to take responsibility for your actions and reactions.
Five tips for overcoming your own passive-aggressive behaviours:
1 Become aware of the underlying feelings causing your behaviour
2 Become aware of the impacts of your behaviour and how your desire to defeat others, get back at them or annoy them creates yet further uncomfortable feelings for yourself
3 Learn to be assertive in expressing yourself
4 Try to not feel attacked when faced with a problem but instead take an overall objective view of the situation
5 Communicate with honesty and truth and strengthen your relationships
Five tips for coping with the passive-aggressive behaviour of others:
1 Become aware of how passive aggression operates
2 Be aware of your responses to others and yourself– do not blame yourself for the behaviour and reaction of others
3 Be honest about your part in the situation
4 Try to communicate calmly without blaming – i.e. talk about how you feel and what you think without using language that will enflame the situation more. For example you might say “I feel upset by your behaviour” rather than “you’ve done this or that”
5 Don’t allow the negativity of others to seep into your soul – stay strong and focused and get on with your life in a positive way.
*The sole purpose of these articles is to provide information about the tradition of ayurveda, yoga, and meditation. This information is not intended for use in the diagnosis, treatment, cure or prevention of any disease. If you have any serious acute or chronic health concern, please consult a trained health professional who can fully assess your needs and address them effectively. Check with your doctor before taking herbs or using essential oils when pregnant or nursing.