Finding True Love

Let me begin this blog by simply stating my truth, Elizabeth Taylor and I share a birthday.  While I confess this with a sense of humor, it does truthfully reflect my personal experience of love.  I think my track record either makes me a relationship guru or someone you should avoid when in relationship crisis.

Given my confusion on my personal guru status, I defer to the true guru of love and that’s Thich Nhat Hahn, Buddhist Monk and author of, “True Love.”  Over the course of the past eight years, I’ve sold literally hundreds of copies of this small book.  I’m going to give you his practice for cultivating true love below, so don’t feel like you have to buy the book, but you are going to end up wanting it so the link is below as well.

Back to True Love…

I spiritually counsel people through The Elemental Cleanse and in individual sessions.  Given that I market myself as a person who can help you implement the ancient philosophies of yoga, Ayurveda, and meditation, you would think that most people would come to me because of their physical health.  This is not the case. People come to me for the following reasons and in the following order.  1.  Financial health and freedom  2. Love and lastly 3. Health.   I used to think this odd, but it simply is the way that it is at this point so I accept the order of things.

Regardless of why you come, I always recommend True Love because it can be used with employers, employees, children, spouses, and even yourself.  It’s four simple practices that will completely change your relationship to all of the above.  It’s a one way practice so don’t expect any of the above people to actively participate. It’s irrelevant to the process.  Do be prepared for dynamic shifting in your relationships.

Here goes:

1.  You must have time to love.

Duh, right?  No.  Love is a practice.  It is an active practice.  You must make time for the ones that you love.  If you can’t be present for the one’s you love, it is not true love.

• Do you work excessive hours?
• Do you miss important events?
• Do you have quality conversation with your targeted “love” people on a daily basis?
• Do you honor traditions and events?
• Do you live in the present moment or are you always working for the next trip, vacation, or weekend when you can finally relax together?
• Are you sexually intimate with your partner on a reasonably consistent basis?
• Do you have sacred time together as partners and as families?
• Do you spend time with and on yourself?

Well, if not, how on earth can you expect to give and receive love?  This one is foundational because if you aren’t willing to change your life to be with the ones you love, then forget about it.   Love requires some tough choice making about lifestyle and values.  Is it more important to you than the career, the new car, and all the other stuff we do that ends up meaningless on the deathbed?  In the end, you won’t care about the house you lived in, the bills you paid, or the car you drove.  You will care that your hand is held by someone you love.

2.  Honor the presence of the other.

This one is so simple to implement.  Just start saying “thank you” more and noticing your targeted love interests.  When your honey comes home from work, listen to them.  Stop what you are doing, sit down, and make them feel special.  Know what their life is like.

• Do you know their hopes and dreams or yours for that matter?
• Do you know what they ate for lunch?
• Do you know if they feel good or not?
• Do you know what they are worried about or troubled with?
• Do you honor them with “thank you” when they help out or do a good job or spend time with you?
• When was the last time you stopped everything you were doing, gave them a big hug, and made them feel special.  Hint…if you are pausing to think about it, it’s been too long.  If you think this is silly, it’s ingrained in your behavior and you are on the path of love.

3. Notice when the other is suffering and help them.

This one is easy because humans are naturally helpers and servers.  When you see another suffering, you are naturally inclined to ease their suffering.  Or are you?  Have you ever lived with someone or been around someone for an extended period of time that was suffering?  Perhaps their finances stink, they are depressed or grieving, they don’t like their bodies, or they simply lack joy in life and are in a state of total passivity towards this experience of life.  UGGGGG.  It kills you.

Sorry.  True Love means you stick it out.  You might be frustrated.  You might be tired. It might be affecting your own life.  Maybe you don’t know what to do.  Doesn’t matter. If you truly love a person, you will pat them on the knee, tell them you are there for them, and be present as they suffer.

4.  Notice when you are suffering and ask for help.

Ouch.  This one is the doozie.  When you are suffering, you must ask for help from the other.  You simply say, “I am suffering and I need your help.”  This speaks to clear and conscious communication.  This speaks to being authentic, vulnerable, and imperfect.  It’s probably the hardest part of this four part practice.

So how do you get to this space?  Well, you know I’m going to tell you yoga, meditation, and the yogic lifestyle.  What did you expect?  You need a toolkit to work through your own crud.  When you learn to love yourself, #4 will come easy…all the rest will follow.