Waking up to an early snowfall in Ohio was magical. My kids, age 16 and 13, are somehow in tune with nature so this morning I was greeted with smiles and excitement vs. the usual grunting and groaning at 6 am. At breakfast I explained to my son who is now driving that he needed to start his car, warm up the windows for a few minutes, and scrape the snow off.
We have a two car garage and it’s been cleaned out countless times, but you know how it goes, things pile up. I’ve asked my son to organize it and clean it about a hundred times to make room for his car before winter. He’s had all summer to get it done.
So my son went out to his car. He came back in three minutes later. He stood in the doorway and announced he couldn’t remove the snow from the car because he doesn’t have a window scraper. He looked at me, helpless and confused. I looked at him. In that moment everything about him reminded me of his dad who I divorced over eight years ago. The helplessness when faced with something so common as creatively scraping glass of fluffy snow. The inability to plan ahead. The procrastination and lack of the common sense knowledge that it snows in Ohio. The annoyance at my reiteration to make some time to organize the garage. Ultimately, that look of expectation that I would jump up and solve his problem.
Anger boiled up inside of me. Watching my thoughts arise….Seriously? you can’t figure out how to scrape some snow off the window with something else? You really can’t come up with a creative solution? Why didn’t you organize the garage like I said? Holy S#$t El, what’s going to happen when you are in college and on your own and there is a daily need for common sense and problem solving. I mean the entire planet is in crisis and you are supposed to be one of the wonder kids who finds a solution and you can’t even get snow off your window…….blah….blah…blah.
I wish they had stayed thoughts, but no, the words came out of my mouth like darts and I realized that I wasn’t yelling at my son. I was yelling at his dad who still annoys the S#$t out of me despite the thousands of hours of yoga and meditation. Resting into my heart I realize when I sit to meditate, I will sometimes think of of my ex and think that I should work through my meditation process to heal the relationship…to create peace. I usually then think that I don’t want to waste another hour with that man and so I don’t. I don’t ever use my spiritual practice to do exactly what it can do in relation (in yoga) to my children’s father. Total Yoga Fail.
So…off I go to my cushion. I feel resentful. I don’t want to waste an hour. The image of my son’s face falling, of hurting his feelings, of not being the mom that I want to be moves me forward in what seems like a total wasted effort. Yet I know the power of the practice and this ego needs to let go.
Om, Pamela
*The sole purpose of these articles is to provide information about the tradition of ayurveda, yoga, and meditation. This information is not intended for use in the diagnosis, treatment, cure or prevention of any disease. If you have any serious acute or chronic health concern, please consult a trained health professional who can fully assess your needs and address them effectively. Check with your doctor before taking herbs or using essential oils when pregnant or nursing.