My foot started hurting about a month or more ago and I began to limp around. I didn’t hurt my foot. It just started hurting. So, I assumed whatever was going on in my body had finally gotten bad enough to manifest through my feet. Trust me, when it gets to the feet it’s bad. Short version is I became aware of a large fibroid tumor growing in my uterus in 2013 after Kundalini teacher training in India when my uterus decided to abruptly try to exit my body after a very intensive kriya. Long story will follow some day.
Anyway, I’ve been managing this totally benign fibroid tumor in an attempt to avoid a hysterectomy. I’ve done pretty good with mostly wins, but it’s affected my digestion and my activity level. I’ve tried everything I holistically know, but part of me simply worries about the damage to my feminine from childhood and I wonder if my uterus just needs to leave this planet. Karma. I remind my uterus of the good it’s done…two lovely children, but alas, I think it is simply tired. Given the strength of my daily Bandha practice, it’s only escape is through my right foot.
So, I ended up at the reflexologist signed up for a 6 week interventional series. Yes, I went because my foot hurt, but I also went went because I’ve been feeling kinda weird. Just like my uterus is waiting to be released, I too feel like I am waiting to be released. I’ve entered into this madness called menopause I’m working hard to navigate and by golly will have a remedy for those to come after me, but alas that is no help to me. Diet, routine, and much more all need to change. I feel like the ship sailed and I didn’t even realize I wasn’t on land anymore until the land was no longer in sight. Hell, I didn’t know I was on the ship. Waves of mood, weight, sleep, and more. This ocean sucks.
I’ve also entered the stage of life where children are leaving…me…alone…completely. When I say alone, I mean I’m left with the dog. I’ve dated for 8 years now post divorce, but now I’m such an independent mess, I might be impossible to live with. I may have literally taken too long to learn to love myself to be loved by another. And lets face it, who loves a menopausal woman that is basically like a caterpillar in the cocoon? What emerges from this mess will be beautiful, but unknown at this point. I ask the dog if I’m lovable and she raises her eyebrow.
Himavat, my reflexologist, is also an Ishaya monk and very deeply studied in yogic philosophy. Basically in reflexology he hurts my foot in the hurting places and the hurting places are sent a message to heal. He talks a lot about yoga and I like that. Not the yoga asana…I’m talking REAL yoga.
Today he asked me who I worshipped. He meant, what deities do I relate to. It was a great question I hadn’t thought about. You see, I don’t worship anything. I never have. I don’t connect to God through an archetype. Mostly I bury my face in my dogs warm fur and feel God. I wake my son up in the morning for school and rub his back and touch God. I brush my daughter’s long hair and smell God. I look into the eyes of the other and see God. I marvel at the yellow yolk inside an egg and know God. God is a big yolk to me. It’s that simple.
But, it got me to thinking about worship and that led me to the dark space of my uterus and my menopause and this shifting life where the future seems certain and I hate that. I am more comfortable in the unknown. What am I worshipping? Well, to be honest, I’m worshipping time and the passing of it. Mahakala is the God of Time and that is my God.
This God is life itself. It is the birth, the life, the rebirth, and the spaces of the Universe we can’t comprehend where there is no time. It is eternity everlasting with the God you personally worship knowing everlasting doesn’t exist because only change is permanent. Tick Tock. Mahakala’s mistress is Mahakali and she is darkness. She eats her children and pulls the Universe back into her womb over and over and over. I laugh at this synchronistic tale of the uterus. I also smile because even before I was a yogini with magical super skills, I could bend time. Perhaps Mahakali has always been my Goddess.
OM, I bow to the Goddess of darkness who dispels darkness.
OM Hrim Shreem Klim Adya Kalika Param Eshwari Swaha
What are you eating? What are you expelling? What do you worship?
*The sole purpose of these articles is to provide information about the tradition of ayurveda, yoga, and meditation. This information is not intended for use in the diagnosis, treatment, cure or prevention of any disease. If you have any serious acute or chronic health concern, please consult a trained health professional who can fully assess your needs and address them effectively. Check with your doctor before taking herbs or using essential oils when pregnant or nursing.