You can always find me in Andrea’s Kundalini class on Sundays in Montgomery. It’s my church. Andrea has an innate ability to theme her classes psychically for whatever is up for me. I swear when I’m in class she is only speaking to me.
Today’s class was potent. Our theme was fear. We dove into our psyche and found what we fear most. My biggest fear is Sunday night. That’s when my children go back to their dad’s house. I visualized myself walking through the laundry room and into the empty kitchen and just standing there listening to the sound of nothing like I’ve done so many times in my real life for the past seven years. The sound of my inhale and exhale, normally comforting, awakens a deep-seated anxiety and dread.
In reality I don’t stand there for more than 5 seconds. Instead, I distract myself with work. It’s my night to plan and organize for the coming week. It’s great because I get so much done and I’ve done it for so long that it’s imbedded in my schedule and I count on those hours of work. Thinking about it now, I realize that Friday is now my night to clean. I mean when else am I going to clean, right? Mostly I don’t have much to do socially on a Friday or Sunday and I think I’ve established this pattern to avoid my fear, not of being alone and not of loneliness, but of feeling excluded. I imagine others on those nights out to dinner, on romantic dates, or gathered around a big table with family playing cards.
Today in class, I stayed in my visualized kitchen and I allowed the fear to well up. Andrea guided us to open the crown chakra and allow the light to come into this dark space of fear. My chakra didn’t budge. Andrea explained to us we are creating our reality with our thoughts. What we fear is brought to life by what we think. My ego revolted and did the blame game. I mean, come on, it’s not my fault or choice to spend so much time alone. I do have lots of work to do. The house has to get cleaned. It’s not my fault or choice to not have a social life outside of what happens in the yoga studio. It’s not my fault or choice to be alone. It’s not my fault or choice…
But Andrea’s words resonated with my soul and I remembered the invitations I turn down for what now seems like the security of cleaning my house and working. It’s the devil we know. At Andrea’s urging I went deeper into that fear. Underneath it all, is a fear that people will get to know me and not like me. It is the shadow of my past growing up with an alcoholic and abusive father where I was never pretty enough, smart enough, working hard enough, or “fill in the blank” enough. Where I was mostly, in his words, “an asshole.” A past where I learned to make myself invisible and quietly support the creation of a peaceful environment hoping this would diminish the explosive violence of my reality. A past where I learned to live co-dependently for others and not self. A past I’ve worked so hard to overcome and yet fear is still lurking in the shadows of my soul. Fear is sneakily ruling two evenings of my week.
Andrea guided us back to the light and her sweet words opened my chakra and the light flooded into my heart. I imagined it expanding like a nuclear bomb going out in all directions and to all dark spaces in me and in this world. The dark energy of fear being the massive detonator for this blast.
And now I feel different.
Sitting here now I want to give you a practice to have an amazing transformation and bring light to your consciousness, but I can’t. Sometimes you need a great teacher and a great class. In fact, 75% of my major breakthroughs have come with the guidance of an awesome teacher like Andrea. I recommend a strong daily hatha practice and Kundalini yoga once a week. See you on your sheepie. Om, Pamela
Mondays in Lebanon at 9:30 am, Kundalini with me
Thursdays in Montgomery at 7:30 pm., Kundalini with Jaqueline
Sundays in Montgomery at 9:30 am, Kundalini with Andrea
*The sole purpose of these articles is to provide information about the tradition of ayurveda, yoga, and meditation. This information is not intended for use in the diagnosis, treatment, cure or prevention of any disease. If you have any serious acute or chronic health concern, please consult a trained health professional who can fully assess your needs and address them effectively. Check with your doctor before taking herbs or using essential oils when pregnant or nursing.